Flirting - Using body language

In the world of the single person, flirting, or the art of getting people's attention, makes up a huge part of their interpersonal communications. Not only that, but up to 70% of communication is non-verbal, making what you say less important than how you say it.

First impressions are also strange, as it has been shown that about 50% of a first impression comes from appearance and body language, 40% from your style of speech, and the final 10% or less from what you actually say! How's that for an eye opener!

Needless to day, the non-verbal aspect of flirtation is the most vital. Women typically use about 50 different physical cues to show men they're interested, where men choose from about 10. What this means is that while most women are very good at reading body language, most men could use some lessons. Therefore it is to the men that we direct this article.

The first and probably most important non-verbal cue is eye contact. A whole book could be written on this subject alone. Eye contact is the most powerful non-verbal tool we use. It tells people about our self image, whether we're uncomfortable or overly aggressive, and communicates a sense of interest. Your efforts can go very far with just eye contact, if used properly.

When flirting with someone, you definitely want to catch their eyes for a moment, but only just a moment. Most of the time, a 'one second gaze' is all that's required. A longer look may seem overbearing, as long eye contact is a pretty intimate signal.

If you get this from a woman you haven't yet met, it may indicate interest, so keep on the lookout for more cues. If you feel her body language shows she may be interested, take a chance and go talk with her… To save potentially embarrassing mishaps, you may also want to double check that she isn't trying to woo the guy a few feet behind you…

Throughout the conversation, make one or two more of these 'held eye contacts', but not more. A couple of these 2-way interactions can mean all the difference to whether you 'pick up' or not. No return on your look? No problem, that person may just be shy, so you'll need to be more gentle with your approach. Too much eye contact can scare people, especially when you've just met, so go easy.

Personal space is also involved in body language. On first approaching a woman, keep a distance of about four feet at first if you can. If you get positive signals, you can move a little closer, into their 'personal space', but stay at least a foot and a half away.

If she shows interest in the conversation and you, you can turn a bit more towards her, or lean in a little, but only do this when all the lights are green or you may get too close too fast and be shut out. Getting within 18 inches of a person is their 'intimate space' for partners, family, and friends, and could get you labeled as a 'close talker', which is usually too close for most.

How to know if you've gotten too close? Often they'll turn their head, cross their arms, or even turn away from you in a defensive posture. All may not yet be lost, just back off a little and take it a little slower.

Body language often says what a person is really feeling, despite what they might be saying - remember that 70% of communication is non-verbal!

Negative signs include folded arms across the chest, which can indicate they may be secretly closing you off. They may also lean away from you or face you but have their body facing away. These are signs that you need to back off, change your approach, or just pull out and count that person as 'not interested'. Nothing wrong with that - just move on to the next person!

Signs that you're making progress include a 'relaxed smile' with lots of teeth, which shows they are comfortable around you. Other signs of interest may include gentle lip biting, wetting of her lips while talking, a finger or fingernail between the teeth, or pursing or puckering of the lips while thinking about a question you just asked.

It may sound cliché, but lots of blinking or 'fluttering of the eyelashes' is also a good indicator, though it is subtle, so watch carefully for it. Playing with the hair while talking and making eye contact is a classic, and well known. This is so well known that many women may do this just to 'string guys along' for fun. Look for a combination of signs before you make any assumptions (your target could simply have something bothering her eye…).

For women with shoulder length hair, tossing the hair off her shoulders, exposing her neck to you is often a good sign, as is fixing her clothes, which can indicate she's trying to improve her appearance, especially when you've stepped away for a moment.

Body position is another key. If the woman positions herself to show off her body, especially her breasts, chances are she's trying to catch a deeper interest. This is usually a more basic tactic used by younger girls before they learn higher level skills.

Touching is a fairly advanced flirt, so if she bumps against you more than once, especially if it's not crowded, it's a good sign that she's interested in you. Rubbing her legs against one another while seated can be a positive, as are exposed palms facing towards you. If she laughs when you do, it's a good sign you're on the same wavelength.

A classic posture is 'mirroring', where a guy or girl mimics the posture of the person they are talking to. This has been 'done to death', so it may be one to watch for rather than one to try, as in her mind you may get busted for 'trying too hard'.

When it comes to watching body language, the most important thing is to respond to the pace the person is setting down. Move things along, but watch for signs that you're going too fast. If things look 'not-so-good', just change direction. If a conversation is working, stick with it. Do the same with body language. If it looks like it's not going the way you'd like, change direction or pace. And when things are working in your favor, keep going with what is working! Above all have fun with it, as the mood will rub off and tell her that you're having a good time in her presence, perhaps the greatest non-verbal cue of all!