Cybersex

Cybersex (sexual chat over the internet) is becoming a more and more popular way of communicating and sharing sexual desires in the relative safety and anonymity of the Internet.

Let's take the case of Bill (our resident cyber man). He has little desire to attempt physical sex, and lots of reservations. He fears he might be more of a spectator than a participant. When prone, he has no arm/hand function, no sensation below his upper chest, and penetration isn't feasible. All that works is his mouth. He knows these problems aren't insurmountable for everyone, but it would be great to hear about any similarly (dys) functioning guys or women who have succeeded at an ongoing relationship. Bill's words sounded familiar to me, not unlike what I've heard from many other people with disabilities.

Reservations, fear and a reluctance to attempt physical sex are predictable results of disability when sexual education and instructive role models are lacking. By going online, Bill has taken a proactive stance in reaching out to others in a similar situation.

Bill also says that he has had several close platonic women friends but was unable to appreciate them because of unexpressed sexual desires. "I lusted for them, feeling guilty and frustrated," he says. "It's not just society that emphasizes sex; its biological urges too, especially with my massive libido."

Bill's guilt disappeared once he found an outlet for sexual expression. "When one friend offered to listen to my repressed feelings about sexuality," he says, "presto, everything changed! Discussing sexuality with women cured my unrequited lust, and freed me to find a great sex-oriented relationship online. I am much more fulfilled now, just curious about creeps like me who manage successful long-term relationships."

I was interested in finding out about Bill's transformation and his subsequent cybersex activities.

While Bill expressed strong interest in helping out, he wasn't sure he was a representative example of cybersex. "My experience with written sex doesn't seem typical," he wrote. "I feel that my circumstances are fairly unusual - lack of privacy, lack of in-person confidence, love of and talent for writing, hyper-horniness and, most of all, luck in finding a couple of women whose needs match mine."

Bill had other reasons for believing his circumstances to be atypical. "They included a dimension of love," he says. "I felt guilty and ashamed of my libido for years; so did my disabled lovers, and we cure each other - sort of a self-help sex therapy. Maybe there are more lonely, isolated and horny disabled folks than I think, but a great majority of people online either have person-to-person sex lives or very much want them."

Also, depending on the nature of the disability, some folks seek ways to increase sensation and the ability to attain orgasm. For men, VigRX Oil provides the instant, transdermal boost to libido and sensitivity; for women, Vigorelle crème does the same. These topical helps are especially beneficial to those who prefer a direct-to-the-bloodstream method that bypassing the gastrointestinal system. However, for those able to take a supplement, a great overall tonic for men is the renowned VigRX pill; now women can enjoy the same effects in a supplement designed just for them called Virility Max for Women. Worth trying if there's any concern about decrease in sensation, pleasure or ability.

Now, I can easily understand how Bill feels his situation is unusual, given the variables he lists. But I also believe that when silence is no longer the norm around sexuality and people with disabilities, we will hear from many more people in very similar situations. As we create an open discourse on sexuality and disability, free from shame or judgment, we will all have Bill's "luck" in finding partners whose needs match ours - either online or in person, whichever we prefer.

As a virtual expert on human sexuality, I can honestly say I have no clue as to what "representative" cybersex might be. If it's the stuff I see in public chat rooms, then I am not impressed. I am far more interested in the meaningful, loving and sexually fulfilling relationships Bill has found. For Bill, hands-free whoopee is not an inferior substitute; it is his personal form of sexual expression. For him, it is fulfilling in and of itself, and he doesn't need a physical partner for sexual and emotional happiness. And if a chance for a physical love relationship should come along, his written relationships may give him the confidence and the skills to make the leap into different arenas of sexual expression.